Sarcasm Dark Humor Quotes That’ll Put a Smile on Ur Face

Funny dark humor quotes – Here is a collection of best funny quotes and witty sayings that’ll brighten the darkest of moods.

• “Life doesn’t end, you just run out of road.”―Stewart Stafford

• “What, after all, is a halo? It’s only one more thing to keep clean.”—Christopher Fry

• “Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.”—Will Rogers

• “I’ve been accused of vulgarity. I say that’s bullshit.”―Mel Brooks
• “When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.”—Saul Bellow
• “One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening.”—Franklin P. Jones
• “Despite my ghoulish reputation, I really have the heart of a small boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk.”―Robert Bloch
• “We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.”—W. H. Auden
• “Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke, and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.”—Jerry Seinfeld
• “I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often – but I’m well preserved.”—Rose Kennedy
• “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”―George Burns
• “The rest of us can find happiness in misery.”―Fall Out Boy
• “It doesn’t matter what other people think when you’re right ―John Cleaver”―Dan Wells
• “When your past shows up to haunt you, make sure it comes after supper, so it doesn’t ruin your whole day.”―Jay Wickre
• “The general plot of life is sometimes shaped by the different ways genuine intelligence combines with equally genuine ignorance.”―Lucy Grealy
• “I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It’s chicken and eggs. And I said I gotta use that one.”—Paul Simon
• “Prejudice is a great time-saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.”—E. B. White
• “I have a wonderful make-up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.”—Bob Hope
• “Why take hours to drown when you can do it in a minute? Death can be kind if you allow him to be – sometimes.”―M. R. C. Kasasian
• “I have a knack for finding humor in all sorts of things, no matter how grim. My sense of humor is wry and a bit on the warped side. (Well, more than a bit, depending on whom you ask.)”―Gerri R. Gray
• “He’d interpreted my move as rudeness, but I thought it would’ve been much ruder to stab him.”―Kayla Krantz
• “My only choice was between the disastrous and the unpalatable. A very German choice.”―Philip Kerr
• “Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.”―Anton Chekhov
• “The need for clean clothing outlived disasters. The end of the world could come, but that would only mean more bloodstains to wash.”―Brandon Sanderson
• “‘I found her. There was blood everywhere. I slipped and fell in it.’’ ‘That’s awful,’ Ling said when she found her voice again. ‘It was awful. I loved those pants.’”―Libba Bray
• “I read a report that said 88% of adults trust their doctors – well, 100% of dead people don’t!”―Stewart Stafford
• “After one look at this planet, any visitor from outer space would say ‘I want to see the manager.’”―William S. Burroughs
• “I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, s*x, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.”―Johnny Carson

Dark Sense Of Humor Quotes

• “Life is like coffee, the darker it gets, the more it energizes.”―Ankita Singhal

• “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”—Abraham Lincoln

• “Without a sense of humor, one’s wisdom is but a rumor.”―Fakeer Ishavardas

• “Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.”—Mark Twain
• “If you removed all the arteries, veins, & capillaries from a person’s body, and tied them end-to-end… The person will die.”―Neil deGrasse Tyson
• “What’s the difference between a politician and a serial killer? The serial killer might listen if you plead with them.”―Unknown
• “A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.”—Don Marquis
• “If at first, you don’t succeed, blame your parents.”—Marcelene Cox
• “What’s the whole point of being pretty on the outside when you’re so ugly on the inside?”―Jess C. Scott
• “Society is like a stew. If you don’t stir it up every once in a while, then a layer of scum floats to the top.”—Edward Abbey
• “It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.”—Robert Frost
• “I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.”—Ron White
• “The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.”—Phyllis Diller
• “Life is hard. After all, it kills you.”—Katharine Hepburn
• “In 5-billion years, the Sun will expand & engulf our orbit as the charred ember that was once Earth vaporizes. Have a nice day.”―Neil Degrasse Tyson
• “Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.”—George Bernard Shaw
• “I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can’t even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails.”―Andrew Lawrence
• “When God created fools, he put the biggest of them into uniform and gave them helmets to prevent any thoughts entering their heads.”―M. R. C. Kasasian
• “Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.”—H. L. Mencken
• “Most of the laugh tracks on television were recorded in the early 1950s. These days, most of the people you hear laughing are dead.”―Chuck Palahniuk
• “You see, insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”―Joseph Kesselring
• “I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.”―Hunter S. Thompson
• “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”―Bill Watterson
• “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”―Abraham Lincoln
• “SPOILER ALERT: We all die in the end.”―Stewart Stafford
• “My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said I want a second opinion. He said, ‘okay, you’re ugly too.’”―Rodney Dangerfield
• “You have to accept the fact that sometimes you are the pigeon, and sometimes you are the statue.”―Claude Chabrol
• “I did not need an unstable relationship to teach me about the evils of broken promises. I had parents for that.”―Michelle Franklin
• “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”―Al McGuire

Funny Dark Humor Quotes About Life

• “First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.”―Steve Martin

• “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”―Oscar Wilde

• “Diabetes is just like a lover, hurting you from the inside.”―Sherman Alexie

• “A good friend will help you plant your tulips. A great friend will help you plant a gun on the unarmed intruder you just shot.”―Brian P. Cleary
• “The truth will set you free. But not until it is finished with you.”―David Foster Wallace
• “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”—Elbert Hubbard
• “I believe in the salvation of humanity, in the future of cyanide…”―Emil Cioran
• “People are sheep. TV is the shepherd.”―Jess C. Scott
• “If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged”―Terry Pratchett
• “‘I wonder if I could eat a child if I had the chance.’ ‘I doubt if I could cook one,’ said Constance.”―Shirley Jackson
• “A difference in self-loathing? Please. The only difference between a gun and a rope is the time it takes to tie the knot.”―Justine Larbalestier
• “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”—Terry Pratchett
• “Man makes plans… And God laughs.”―Michael Chabon
• “I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.”—Zsa Zsa Gabor
• “I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”—W. C. Fields
• “I used to jog, but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” — David Lee Roth
• “It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it’s fun and games you can’t see anymore.”―James Hetfield
• “I persuaded him to throw the dirk away, and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright, fresh new way of killing itself.”―Mark Twain
• “‘You see?’ said Laurent. ‘He has forgiven me for the small matter of the whip. I have forgiven him for the small matter of killing my brother. All hail the alliance.’”―C. S. Pacat
• “Whenever I read the term ‘belief system,’ somewhere between my eyes and my brain, it becomes ‘coping mechanism.’”―Stewart Stafford
• “Life’s so much simpler when you’re dead!”―Stewart Stafford
• “Dark humor and sarcasm always seem to find their way into my writing, which isn’t surprising, given that I live and breathe dark humor, and sarcasm is one of the languages in which I’m fluent.”―Gerri R. Gray
• “If anyone ever reported my death incorrectly, I’d confirm it was true on Twitter and that I was tweeting through an Ouija board.”―Stewart Stafford
• “Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.”―Terry Pratchett
• “Sometimes, I see a bird fly by, and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.”―Demetri Martin
• “When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”―Will Rogers
• “Near misses are where you’re nearly killed, near missus are where you’re nearly married―some would argue they’re the same thing.”―Stewart Stafford

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