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No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. George Bernard Shaw

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Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
Garrison Keillor

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The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.
Herb Caen

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Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple.
Thomas Paine

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Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn’t there, and finding it.
Oscar Wilde

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Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
Fred Allen

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A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
Thomas Ybarra

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A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows.
Mark Twain

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humor religion quotes — Humor religion quotes

Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God.
Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.

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The number of followers you have doesn’t make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12.
Anonymous

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Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
Billy Sunday

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A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip.
Billy Graham

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The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.
G. K. Chesterton

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Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
Mark Twain

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Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.
Robert Orben

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I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.
Mahatma Ghandi

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The good Lord didn’t create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close.
Mark Twain

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The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank.
Dante Rossetti

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On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park.
Curtis McDougall

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Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
Napoleon

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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me… they’re cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin

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Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.
Aldous Huxley

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I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.
Ronald Reagan

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The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting, it has been found difficult and left untried.
G. K. Chesterton

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But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Mark Twain

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People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them.
Dave Barry

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It is time the Arabs and the Jews sat down and settled this dispute in the true Christian spirit.
Senator Warren Austin

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If I had been the Virgin Mary, I would have said “No”.
Stevie Smith

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Funny Quotes About Faith

Faith my be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.
H. L. Mencken

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Faith, to my mind, is a stiffening process, a sort of mental starch, which ought to be applied as sparingly as possible.
E. M. Forster

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If there were no faith there would be no living in this world. We couldn’t even eat hash with any safety.
Josh Billings

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We turn to God for help when our foundations are shaking only to learn that it is God shaking them.
Charles West

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Faith is much better than belief. Belief is when someone else does the thinking.
R. Buckminster Fuller

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I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.
Wilson Mizner

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Scepticism is the beginning of faith.
Oscar Wilde

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Some things have to be believed to be seen.
Ralph Hodgson

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Faith: not wanting to know what is true.
Friedrich Nietzsche

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I’ve never understood how God could expect His creatures to pick the one true religion by faith – it strikes me as a sloppy way to run a universe.
Robert A. Heinlein

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The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason.
Benjamin Franklin

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We have not lost faith. but we have transferred it from God to the medical profession.
George Bernard Shaw

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Those of little faith are of little hatred.
Eric Hoffer

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Faith, indeed, has up to the present not been able to move real mountains…. But it can put mountains where there are none.
Friedrich Nietzsche

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Funny Church Quotes

short christian quotes — Short christian quotes

Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Garrison Keillor

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A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to people who will never get there.
H. L. Mencken

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Go to church this Sunday – avoid the Christmas rush.
London graffito

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I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
George Carlin

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