100+ More Funny Confucius Quotes To Cheer You Up

Who was Confucius?

Confucius is a 6th century BC Chinese philosopher whose words are still of great importance today as a talisman for success, success or trouble. These Confucian quotes or sayings can help you whenever you feel like you’re underestimating yourself or want to dig deeper and understand something. Here are some funny sayings of Confucius. Funny Confucius Quotes and jokes are a great way to make you laugh when you feel down.

100+ Best Funny Confucius Sayings To Make You Crack Up

Funny confucius quotes
Funny confucius quotes
  • “Boy fool with girl in wrong period get caught red handed.”
  • “Man who kisses girl’s behind, get crack in face.”
  • “Man with one chopstick go hungry.”
  • “Inventor of shag carpet make big pile.”
  • “Man who walk with nose in air very easy to hook.”
  • “Crowded elevator smell different to midget.”
  • “Man who throw dirt losing ground.”
  • “Support bacteria — it’s the only culture some people have.”
Confucius quotes funny
Confucius quotes funny
  • “Man who stand on toilet high on pot.”
  • “He who stick head in open window get pane in neck.”
  • “House without toilet is uncanny.”
  • “Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.”
  • “Wise man not play leapfrog with unicorn.”
  • “Man with no legs bums around.”
  • “Man who drives like hell bound to get there.”
  • “Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes will soon burn out!”
  • “Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters in his own hands.”
Confucius funny quotes
Confucius funny quotes
  • “Passionate kiss like spider’s web soon lead to undoing of fly.”
  • “Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.”
  • “Man who put on itchy sweater start every day from scratch.”
  • “Man who does very little makes very few mistakes.”
  • “He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing.”
  • “Man who have clear conscience usually have bad memory, too.”
  • “War not determine who is right, war determine who is left.”
  • “Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.”
  • “Everyone has a photographic memory, some people just don’t have film!”
  • “When man bring wife flowers for no reason, there usually reason.”

patient jokes

  • “Man who want pretty nurse must be patient.”
  • “Give man fish, feed him for a day. Teach man to fish, man build industry and destroy ecosystem.”
  • “He who is stupid today is still stupid tomorrow.”
  • “Steal a man’s wallet and he’ll be poor for a week. Teach hockey to his kids and he’ll be poor forever.”
  • “Woman who dates gambler, gets cheated on.”
  • “Behind every successful man is good woman — and very surprised mother-in-law.”
  • “No husband ever been shot while he do dishes.”
  • “Man with athletic finger make broad jump.”
  • “Woman laid in tomb may soon become mummy.”
  • “Man who open car door for girlfriend reveal one thing: either car is new or girlfriend is new.”
Funny confucius quotes best
Funny confucius quotes best
  • “Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.”
  • “He who fish in other man’s well often catches crabs.”
  • “Woman who come to bed wearing nothing but running shoes, wants to have marathon session.”
  • “State of pregnancy exist when woman takes seriously something poked in fun.”
  • “Man who read woman like book, prefer braille!”
  • “Woman who absentmindedly answer the door in her nightie is negligent.”
  • “Mummys who take vacation, will relax and unwind.”
  • “Husband who sleep on couch last night, have hard time today.”
  • “Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.”
  • “Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!”

cross eyed jokes

  • “Cross-eyed teacher cannot control pupils.”
  • “Man who get hit by car, get that run-down feeling.”
  • “Don’t drink and park, accidents cause people.”
  • “Man who drop watch in whisky is wasting time.”
  • “Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.”
  • “Man who give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach will abdicate.”
  • “Man who jumps off cliff, jumps to conclusion!”
  • “A butler with no teeth is called an in-dentured servant.”
  • “Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get tone of A flat miner.”
  • “If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.”
  • “Man who shoot off mouth must expect to lose face.”

Read More: Short Jokes

Confucius says funny quotes
Confucius says funny quotes
  • “Man who abuse his computer get bad bytes!”
  • “When dentist say ‘open wide’, does he mean mouth or wallet?”
  • “Blind man who pees on electric fence will see the light.”
  • “Man who make mistake in elevator wrong on many levels.”
  • “Man who keep both feet firmly planted on ground have trouble putting on pants.”
  • “Chinese couple who have white baby, name it Sum Ting Wong.”
  • “He who laughs last did not get the joke.”
  • “Man who live in glass house should change in basement.”
  • “Woman who puts detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy.”
  • “Man who tied to chair bound to agree.”
  • “He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!”
  • “He who thinks by the inch and talks by the yard deserves to be kicked by the foot.”
  • “Give a man some fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of the day. Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.”
  • “Man who cut self while shaving, lose face.”
  • “When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet, than open mouth and remove all doubt.”
  • “A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.”

Read More: Funny Christian Quotes

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