50 Best Funny Husband Wife Quotes, Sayings & Captions

A husband and wife relationship is a unique relationship that supports each other throughout life. Fighting happens in every home and in every relationship. Artistic dialogues continue between husband and wife. Sometimes they fight and sometimes they meet each other as if nothing happened. In fact, this is true love, forgetting all the hugs and coming together. Read and share with each other some very funny husband wife quotes and make your day happy.

Quote Topics

Funny Quotes for Husband

Funny husband wife quotes
Funny husband wife quotes

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

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Funny annoying husband quotes
Funny annoying husband quotes

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted.

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Funny quotes for husband
Funny quotes for husband

Marriage is a workshop – where the husband works & the wife shops.

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Couple marriage funny sayings
Couple marriage funny sayings
  1. “In our marriage everything is 50/50. I cook, he eats. I wash, he wears. I shop, he pays!”
  2. “Only a widow can say exactly where her husband is.”
  3. “My husband and I married for better or worse!! He couldn’t have done better and I couldn’t have done worse!”
  4. “A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.”
  5. “A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.”
  6. “Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.”
  7. “Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!”
  8. “My husband says I feed him like he’s a god: every meal is a burnt offering.”
  9. “A man who is right by your side through everything makes you happy. But he can leave your side to make dinner once in a while!”
  10. “My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t.”
    “They say love is blind.. and marriage is an institution. Well, I’m not ready for an institution for the blind just yet.”
  11. “Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven’t been able to find anybody who’ll take what I have to give.”
  12. “When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.”
  13. “A husband’s last words should always be, OK buy it.”
  14. “Husband: I am a grown man, stop mothering me. Also husband: Have you seen my keys? Have you seen my wallet? Where did we park? I don’t have clean underwear”
  15. “One day my wife’s credit card got stolen.. what a relief it was to find that the thief spends less than my wife!”
  16. “I always help my wife out with housework such as washing the dishes and doing the laundry. She washes them, and I let them dry”
  17. “My darling, this scenery makes me speechless. Husband: Perfect, we’re setting up tent here.”
  18. “Ever since it started snowing my husband is standing in front of the window and watching. If the snow gets much worse, I might let him inside the house”
  19. “Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!”
  20. “My husband wears the pants in my house.. The ones I pick”
  21. “There are two sides in a marriage, one who is always right and the other is called.. the husband”
  22. “One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip”
  23. “A husband is someone who after taking the trash out gives the impression he’s cleaned the whole house!”

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Funny Quotes for Wife

Husband teasing wife quotes
Husband teasing wife quotes

I look at the moon and it looks really beautiful!.. Then I look at you… and.. I think I’ll look at the moon again?!

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Funny marriage quotes
Funny marriage quotes

The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.

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Couple funny quotes
Couple funny quotes
  1. “Tell her she’s beautiful instead of HOT she’s your wife not TEMPERATURE.”
  2. “My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”- Henny Youngman
  3. “Wife: I have changed my mind…Husband: Does the new one work???”
  4. “Wife is scientifically proven to be RIGHT even when she is WRONG.”
  5. “Nothing makes a wife more beautiful than the belief that she is beautiful.”
  6. “My wife’s cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.” – Rodney Dangerfield
  7. “After marriage, the other man’s wife looks more beautiful.” – Navjot Sidhu
  8. “If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.”- Sam Levenson
  9. “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
  10. “She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.” – Tommy Manville
  11. “I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status.”
  12. “My wife and I always compromise. I admit I am wrong and she agrees with me. :)”
  13. “Below is a list of ways to win an argument with your wife…………………….empty not found.”
  14. “My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.”
  15. “Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.”
  16. “When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.” – Sacha Guitry
  17. “If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.”- Sigmund Freud
  18. “One day my wife’s credit card got stolen.. what a relief it was to find that the thief spends less than my wife!”
  19. “My wife told me the other day that I don’t take her to expensive places any more, so I took her to the gas station.”

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Husband Wife Funny Instagram Captions

Funny husband wife status
Funny husband wife status

Wife is cute when she is mute and husband is honey when he gives money.

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Husband wife funny status
Husband wife funny image
  1. “A woman’s apology: I’m sorry but it was your fault.”
  2. “My husband’s wife is freaking awesome.”
  3. “We always hold hands, If I let go, she shops.” – Henry Youngman
  4. “I and my wife are happy. At least when we are not together.”
  5. “Me and my wife lived happily for twenty years…. then we met.”
  6. “Well behaved wife rarely make history.”
  7. “Your wife won’t start an argument with you, If you’re cleaning.”
  8. “Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.”
  9. “I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…she hugged me.”
  10. “In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker” – Woody Allen

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Read More: You Complete Me Quotes

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